Let’s start with the honest to goodness truth, I am a lier and a hypocrite.  And now that I said it, I can dive in.  I don’t mean to say that I lie about everything, just some things.   For example, I lie to my classes about the rounds expected of them.  I lie to my kids about the time it will take to do the simplest chores.  And I regularly say “I’ll be there in a minute,” when I know damn well its going to be at least five minutes.  My lies are fairly harmless but sometimes the lies are bigger and the hypocrisy is something I have to face straight on. 

Saturday I was in deadlifting at a gym in Seattle.  The weight was pretty easy and I was on my last set when half way through my back went out.  I went to the floor and laid there in complete pain and disappointment.  I wanted to look around and blame someone or something.  I wanted to yell at any and everyone because somehow I needed this to not be my fault, I needed someone else to take responsibility.  And I also really wanted a quick fix, a do over.  But there was no way I could l do it all over, and not just because I was already flat on my back in pain, but because it wasn’t a lift that caused this.  This was months of training harder and harder, months of taking on stress, some that I didn’t even need to carry, and months of taking my weekends for granted and not spending the time I needed to rest and recover.  

The bathroom scale, the little thing that sits on the floor staring at you every time you go to take a shower or brush your teeth.  The thing that invites you to stand on it, so innocently, only to pop up numbers that are almost never what you want to see.  The thing that tells you, all too honestly, if you are gaining weight or losing weight.  This stupid little thing can change the way we see ourselves.  One moment, that moment the numbers settle in, can change the confidence we have in ourselves, it can change the attitude we have towards ourselves and it can change the relationships around us.  And most of the time, these changes aren’t for the better.  That little thing is such a shitty judgement of who we really are.  

I am not a big believer in New Years Resolutions.  Actually I’m lying, I love setting resolutions.  I love looking ahead at a new year, new possibilities.  It’s like a clean slate where you can wipe away the destruction of the previous year and enter into this space that is filled with optimism and hope.  

I didn’t think it would be this hard to sit down and write my final blog post of the year, my first blog post in six months.  But as this year comes to an end, I don’t know where to start.  My mind is a little rusty and my sense of humor is a little raw.  At this point I am just dragging my feet trying to avoid the truths of my past so I can find the honesty of my future.  So here I go.

Summer is beginning.  The days are long, the sun is out and the structure of the school year is gone.  There is so much about summer that I love, mainly the warmth, the light and the abundance of watermelon.  But every year I have to remind myself to enjoy the moment, enjoy the chaos and let the summer move as slowly as possible.  I have to remind myself that it is not important to look ahead to next week or next month but to spend more time in the right now.  It is so easy to get overwhelmed with filling up the weeks.  I fill them with important things for me and the minis and I fill them with nothing, sometimes just to have something to cross off my to-do list at the end of the day.  This year I am going to enjoy the laid back empty moments of summer.  Summer brings in an abundance of spontaneous get togethers and time with friends and it is important to have the time and flexibility to say yes.  

There are moments in our lives where everything just stops.  The world around us keeps spinning but our singular world stops moving and stays completely still.  Sometimes this time is filled with calm and peace, other times it is filled with chaos and uncertainty.  There are those times when we can sail through major life events and big issues.  While other times, taking a breath seems impossible and putting one foot in front of the other seems worthless.  The clock, the setting sun, the tomorrows are all going to come but time can be so unpredictable.  

There are times, probably more than I would like to admit, when I question my strengths.  There are days that I sit down to write and wonder who would read this, I question if I should even write.  There are days I stand in front of a class or a private client and wonder why people are here, am I even good enough as a trainer.  And I regularly think this with parenting, I question decisions I make.  I feel guilty that I can’t always do more for the minis.  On the other hand, I get frustrated that I do too much for them.   These are the questions that pop into my thoughts, maybe not daily but often enough.  The only person that can answer these questions, the only person that can shut that shit up, is me. 

I have been thinking a lot about female strength lately.  I’ve been thinking about the excuses females give for having physical strength.  Sometimes the personal insults are based on what they think others can do and sometimes it is based on what they think or wish they could do.  Most of my athletes are female and I when I look around the studio I am gifted with the sight of strength in all shapes and sizes, in all genders and ages.  

It is the middle of May and for most people who started the year out with grand plans of finally getting their nutrition under control, it probably fell by the wayside sometime ago.  As the winter months wore on, the motivation to say on track probably fell away into the dark days and rain soaked months.  Now the sun is out and the bulky clothes of winter are slowly being replaced with sleeveless shirts and short shorts.  It’s almost bikini season ladies and gentlemen.  Lets get those itty bitty’s out and get ready for some northwest summer days.